Rambling Oddities

I hate when my married friends talk to me like – just because I'm single now – I've never been in a relationship before, much less ever been married. I know how guys are. I know all the crap that comes with relationships, and I know how men change. That doesn't mean that I can't still love someone or want to be with them. All of them (my friends) are still with their husbands even though they bitch about them all the time. Why can't they just let me enjoy the beginning of this relationship? They all had it once. I've been single for 3 years. Granted, I've been excited about other guys in that time, but it hasn't been like it is now. I wish they would quit talking down to me just because I get excited and hopeful about people and won't give up on the possibility of love.

Two things I realized about myself tonight:

Number One. I am scared to eat rice when home alone. I am especially scared to eat rice with chicken when I'm home alone. No, I'm not delusional – I have acid reflux. I take my Nexium pretty regularly, but sometimes, my esphogus gets raw and swollen still. Sometimes food gets stuck in my throat, and I start to choke. This feeling is especially scary when home alone! There have been a few times where I couldn't breathe at all and my face was red. It was horrible. Through experience I have learned that the worst foods when it comes to getting stuck in my throat are (you guess it!) rice and chicken. Since tonight's dinner is Mediterranean Chicken, there will be no side dish of rice!

Number Two. I am a reality show junkie. I try not to be, but it's just so damn amusing! I mean you can't write the crap that comes out of these people's mouths. And I liked the competitiveness of it too. I'm very competitive myself and got into a little pool with Survivor this time, so that was especially fun to keep up with. I texted my friends that I was sad that Survivor was over and not coming on TV Thursdays nights anymore. But then I found out that So You Think You Can Dance starts tonight! There is a total different reason why I like this show. I think it's because deep down, I desire to be a dancer. Now, don't think I'm gonna go off and start twirling around just yet. Anyone who knows me will vouch for the fact that I have NO rhythm. None. I can't even clap on beat with the crowd at a concert. It's sad. To top it off, I'm not so coordinated at all times either. Shame though. Cause I know I would love it. I love watching them dance all the different styles and some of it really is so moving. But alas, I am who I am.

Thanks. I just had to get all that out..

I haven't kept up with my "blog each week" resolution yet, but at least I am making an effort... tonight.

I am sitting on the floor at my coffee table having dinner. Dinner consists of my adequate attempt at Salmon Four Seasons and a salad. I'm a little odd in that I always eat my salad last when at home. In a restaurant, I eat it first, but at home, it's last. And I really want it, but I know it will give me heartburn. Healthy hurts.

The salmon is good, but it's no Villa Tronco. I don't know how they do it, but I love it. Too bad it's only available as a special.

Ok, now to the real gist of this post. I've decided to take the summer off. From dating, that is, not work. Sometimes I wish it was work I was running away from. I just can't bear to date right now. I've run out of steam for the whole ordeal. And lately it has seemed like an ordeal.

Dating seems like such an effort sometimes. Maybe I have relied on the guy to make decisions most of the time, but my past two dates were pretty much planned by yours truly. The first was a Carolina basketball game – in a suite! The second was dinner and bowling. And yes, I won all 3 games. :-) The dates were okay, and I had a previous connection with both. I went to high school with both guys, so that alone made me hopeful. But alas, no luck. There just wasn't any "chemistry."

So after that I decided that maybe I should cancel all my dating website memberships and take some time off. So far, things have been good. I've taken a weekend beach vacation with my ladies happy hour girls, been to a few concerts, relaxed. Besides all that, I've just been depressed. One of my best friends is pregnant and in the meantime, my grandmother harasses me about when I will get married and have a baby (before she dies). How's that for pressure?

It's bad enough that my biological clock is ticking so loud I can't even hear myself think. Maybe it's not my biological clock. Maybe it's fear – the fear that eats away at me every day. I have an incurable fear that I'll never get to have a baby, a fear that I'll never have a family. I know too many people who have kids who didn't "plan" it or "want" it, but they got it. And then there's me. I want nothing more than a family and children. And I am petrified that I will never have either. And that will be the biggest regret of my life.

I don't want to settle for someone I don't love just so that I can have children, but lately I have started to doubt that there is anyone out there for me. And I start to wonder what the point of all this is if I'm never going to have what would make me happiest. Everyone says to be happy with yourself and then you will find love. Well, I have been happy with myself, but here I am – still alone.

All I want is to love and be loved. Is that too much to ask? My friends love me. Why can't I find a single guy who will? I refuse to settle, but I am open to possibilities. I told Granny today that if I'm still single at 35, I'm going it alone. I just don't know what my cut off is to have children, so I've decided to make it 35. Besides, maybe it will be better if it's just me raising a kid and not having to worry about some guy screwing it up. ;-) I'm just kidding. I know kids need a father figure, and I figure my father and brother could fill that roll. I know they'd love any child of mine.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I'm just so sad and depressed all the time about the whole situation. I'm not sure how to move forward or "forget" about it and live normally. And my quiz on facebook last night told me I should have 7-8 kids. When is that supposed to happen? Any suggestions?

I have free candy for anyone who wants it. Here's what I got: 20 peppermints from Carrabba's To-Go, 6 packs of Smarties, 6 blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers, 2 grape Jolly Ranchers and 8 orange Starbursts. I list those last because they are the only ones I'm still eating so their numbers are diminishing rapidly. I have no idea where all this candy came from. Well, aside from the Carrabba's mints. The rest is from leftover Halloween's and maybe from when I had my surgery. Candy and surgery? Uh. Whatever. The point is... this candy is getting older by the minute. I need to get it out of here because I am NEVER going to eat it. It's not really the kind of candy that satisfies my sweet tooth. So if you want it, let me know. I'll bring it to you if I'm over your way. Just take it and someone eat it already. I feel guilty that it just sits here and stares at me uneaten, holiday after holiday. So, so sad.

Yesterday morning, I had just gotten up and was sitting on the toilet tampon in hand about to deal with my female "visitor" when my cell phone rang. It startled me a bit, and I dropped the tampon (applicator and all) into the toilet. I jumped up to check my phone, but didn't recognize the number and opted not to answer. Then I went back to the bathroom and stared at the bright green tampon floating in my toilet. I cringed as I reached in to grab it and throw it away. Right about then, Tim came back into the bedroom. I looked him blankly and stated, "It's not even 9 o'clock in the morning, and I've already had my hand in a toilet. Today's gonna be a GREAT day."

I was watching a little short movie from July 4th tonight about our soldiers. It had that classic quote, "All gave some, but some gave all."

As most of my readers and friends know, I am currently consumed with thinking about love and relationships. I thought how well this quote could apply to love. In love, everyone has given some (at some point in their lives), but some of us give all for love. I tend to think that I am one of the latter.

I had orginally planned to write an entire post about that very thought or idea.

But as I continued to watch the video, another more important topic of conversation came to mind. One that is very popular in this day and time.

I am ever thankful (althought taken for granted sometimes) for the freedoms I am allowed because I am an American and because of all the men and women who have fought and at times, given their lives to protect. I'm not even sure that I would be brave enough to give my life for the country. I admit that I might be a coward, but I do hold a high respect for the people who are so much braver and so much stronger in their belief and willingness to fight for the country's ideals.

Then I started to think about why we are at war. It basically boils down to one thing. Beliefs. So many people in this world are intent on making everyone else believe the way they do. I, too, believe in my heart that my belief in God is the correct path for life and would love if everyone else believed the same to finally join me in heaven.

But I am wise enough to know they don't. And I can accept that. One of the greatest freedoms of ALL human beings is personal choice or the freedom to believe whatever they choose in their own heart. In this day and age, information is ubiquitous (thanks Mrs. H, I finally know what that word means!). People have so many opportunities to learn about all schools of thought and belief. We are all so aware of other religions and their belief structure. We can all make an informed decision, but we need to remember that the decision is ours and ours alone. You have the freedom to choose, so let me do the same.

If everyone would just realize how grateful they should be to be alive and to be given the opportunity (by whatever God or higher power or even sheer chance for the atheists) to just live and participate in this life and this world, they might look at things differently.

In a recent political discussion with someone, I made the statement that I will look at politics when it gets closer to voting time... when it gets time to make my decision. Until then though, I choose not to focus my every day on it. I can't do anything about it until election day so I choose to focus on other things in my life.

I choose to focus on my life, my family, my friends, my health, my happiness... and love. The only thing I have complete control over is my own life and my own destiny so why not spend my time making the most of it?

The topics I hate talking about most are politics and religion, in that order. Several people I know have disagreed with my political views, and I theirs. In the end, I feel it is a waste (perhaps that's not the best word, but alas...) of time to talk about them because the discussions usually just end in an argument. You aren't going to change my mind, and I'm not going to change yours. People tend to get defensive and talk more than they listen.

Plus, I will admit in a heartbeat that I honestly don't know enough about either topic to carry on a debate with most of the people who are so passionate about the topics. However, if you would like to discuss life and love and relationships or even dogs and how they can be some of the most meaningful (and therapeutic) relationships we might experience, then I will turn off the TV, open a bottle of wine and get comfortable for the long haul!

If only everyone could learn to appreciate life itself and what they have and not worry so much if everyone else is going to hell, then the world might just be a happier, more peaceful place.

So in closing for tonight, I wish you health, life, love, happiness and peace. Love you all. Good night.

Tonight I am writing my very first "outdoor blog." Everytime I visit Brandon, we end up sitting on the porch a few times a night. I always love it. Just sitting outside and resting and just being. Enjoying the company of whoever is there right then. Then I come home and still don't sit on my own porch at all. Why is this? I love the peace it brings and the comfort it provides which allows your mind to wander to aimless places.

This would be the perfect place for me to write. So tonight – knowing there's nothing on TV on Tuesday night and feeling a bit restless – I decided to take a minute to set up the porch so it will be more inviting to me. I already had my new adorondak chairs, so I washed them off. Then I got one of the small plastic tables from the garage. I wanted to speed the process for tonight, so instead of washing it, I just grabbed one of my bright yellow plastic placemats to cover the top for now. Upon my next entry back into the house, I grabbed a candle, ashtray, lighter, phones (cell & home), iPod and tapedeck connection for the iPod. The final trip in the house yielded a glass of Lambrusco and a bowl of popcorn.

With laptop in hand, I emerged onto the porch to partake of the green, talk to the dogs and watch the dusk roll in. As I pushed play on the iPod, Eminem's Stan subtly started with the sounds of thunder and rain. It timed almost perfectly with the rain on my own tin roof.

I had been a brave soul tonight. I had sat over 8 feet away from it and had put the iPod on shuffle songs – all 10,000-something of them! The one positive is that now I am forced to listen to random songs on there that I might not have otherwise taken then time to hear. The negative comes in when I am too lazy to get up everytime to see who sings "this" great new song that I think I am hearing for the first time. The last one said, "I hope that this is good enough." Me too.

And now Eliot Morris is singing my favorite song. No one has to know. Brandon has thrown me a little because he's not overly affectionate in front of other people. If it gets dark enough, he'll start to hold my hand, and if he drinks enough, he'll kiss me repeatedly! lol... I love it! I do! And I don't think anyone doubts that we are together.

I don't want to sound so super cheesy tonight, but I feel something around him. Not everything is peaches and cream, but I feel like whatever might not seem perfect is still completely workable. I feel a immediate comfort around him and a much needed reassurance. There's never anything overt, but small things said and done. A look in his eyes. A smile of confidence from me. A nauseous feeling in my stomach, but one immediately followed by complete giddyness.

I looked it up today. We have been dating for four weeks today. It seems like it has been twice as long as that! But that is a wonderful thing! I would that the summer would drag on forever. :-)

But now, in what seemed under two minutes, the sky turned from it's pink and blue cotton candy stripes to a purplish haze. The trees I know by heart are all just shadows against the last of the sun's victories… for today.

Damn I have some good music on my iPod. I wonder if they'll ever have iPod's that can sense your mood and play music that would suit your state of mind at the time? Mine seems to be doing it at the moment. I should sit out here every night until I've listened to the entire iPod. It could happen. Maybe. :-)

Ok, now I have to make an observation on a writing problem that many – myself included – suffer from. These stupid :-) 's. Before the internet, no one typed with stupid emoticons. They wrote, and the words themselves were responsible for conveying emotion and wit.

Everytime I type an emoticon in a blog entry I cringe. I stop to think about how I might otherwise phrase my words so as to get my point across without resorting to a :-) . And then when I realize that I can't – or won't make the effort – I use one anyway and realize that maybe I'm not the "writer" I have these delusions of.

What it boils down to is this... Why do I do this? Why do any of us blog? We blog because we think we have something to say. Maybe it's not all about how to save the world, but maybe we think our view of the world is unique. Maybe we think what we have to say is "deep" – for my lack of ability to think of a better word.

Maybe we all just want so badly to be "interesting" so that we're actually heard for once. And maybe we think that by blogging, someone somewhere will "find" us and take our word as gold. I think we all want to be found – seen as we really ARE.

Sitting on the porch tonight was one of the best things I could have done. I am relaxed and centered. I do not feel as though yet another night has been wasted. I have written, and for me, that I one thing I really like to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to accomplish the move of the mini fridge from the garage to the porch. One glass of wine is not near enough on the porch at night, but I'm not gonna get up and go INSIDE for more! Mini-fridge=problem solved!

That said, I really do need a glass of wine right now. And this popcorn is makin' me thirsty! :-) There I go again with those damn emoticons! F@#k. Hell, let's throw in a little "LOL" too! lol...

I really must go now. I, myself, am no longer amused by it and bugs are crawling on my screen... my computer screen! Let's try to meet up tomorrow. Same time, same place. ;-)